In which I single-handedly bring the Tories to power.

Happy New Year. Now we’ve ridden the wave of decadence through December we find ourselves washed up on the shore of January, a new year, a new decade and the same big issues. You can feel it in the air can’t you? No not ‘the wind of change’ but something equally absurd and non-committal, that’s right, political grumbling in the run up to an election! Let’s do this, put your serious faces on and stop crying in the back there! This is happening.

If we peer around our Christmas bellies at this morning’s Times we can see that they’ve stuck quite rigidly to the New Year, Old Issues rule that I just made up with a headline that could have appeared on any paper at any time during the last five years or so. Labour fears Blair will be a liability. This one has it all for those who have just resurfaced from a coma and are looking for a safe and easy article to guide them back to the real world through familiar and comforting phrases such as ‘Brownites and Blairites’, ‘Iraq inquiry’, ‘Al Gore’, ‘Fern Britton’ all the words and faces you would associate with a political front page in – wait what? Fern Britton? I’d almost forgotten about this. The time our great and glorious former leader the Reverend Blair was finally grilled over his decisions on Iraq by the nation’s most trusted and most fierce interviewer and political analyst: Fern fucking Britton. I think I’m going to make it my new year’s resolution to drill uncomfortable memories of my country’s lunacy out of my skull more often (incidentally my actual resolution is the same as it is every year, to quit smoking. And there we are I’ve done it. I win again). The Iraq inquiry reopens tomorrow and New Labour are worried that Tony, shall we say, helping them with their inquiries may hinder their chances at the election. I’ll give you a minute to let that sink in. Gordon Brown has been accused of many things but never was he accused of being quick on the uptake and if the fact that he reckons this might be the thing to turn people towards the Tories this year doesn’t make you think this, further evidence can be found in the pages of GQ who recently and rather uncharitably named him Britain’s Worst Dressed Man. Even Peter Stringfellow was number ten. Typical really, Brown’s the Prime Minister now and he still finds himself desperate to get to number ten. If you were wondering by the way, David Cameron was number 8 on the best dressed poll. And I thought my respect for GQ had already flatlined…

The Times quizzed a Downing Street official on how Blair was being kept at arm’s length despite him openly offering to help with an election campaign. The answer came back that no decisions had been made and when asked if this was depending on how he looks coming out of the inquiry the source answered ‘It is an independent inquiry and his appearance before it is a matter for him’ after which the reporter presumably scratched his head and asked if this was depending on how he looks coming out of the inquiry. New Labour not having any plans to use Blair in any kind of function in their election bid is enlightening in two ways. Either it reveals what little faith they have in Tony and his involvement in Iraq or it means they’ve totally given up on winning the damn election and have already begun finding people to blame for their future failure. That’s forward thinking lads, cover all bases.

Rumbling further towards the election the Tories have released the first chapter of their campaign document (just a teaser you know, get us hooked before the rest is released. The fans will love it) which Alistair Darling and a crack team of treasury civil servants have accused of including a £50bn black hole. I know what you’re thinking, I was too so don’t feel bad about it but if we can leave the wife/girlfriend/mother-in-law jokes to one side for a moment what this actually means is Darling claims there are round about 45 billion pounds worth of policies and ideas with only about £11bn to back them up. Fortunately for David Cameron (who I can only imagine has this webpage bookmarked alongside GQ in his favourites file) I’ve come up with a few ways the Conservative party can gather some funds for the big day. Ready Dave?

  • Steal money from poor kids in the playground. That should make about a quid a day. Send out some junior members of your party, there are loads of secondary schools in the UK. Simple really.
  • Ease up on the moat cleaning and drawbridge chain wax services for a bit. Lord Fingerbottom III may have to wait until after the election to update the liveries for his young wards as well while we’re at it. I know, I know but it’s just until May then they can go back to restocking the boiling pots of oil on top of their battlements without fear of being unjustly reprimanded for it.
  • Look down the back of the sofa. I found an old mobile and like 50p down there once and I only checked it like three years before that! Think what you could find. Elbow grease yeah?
  • Instead of riding your bike to work and having some poor twat drive your papers in after you when the cameras stop rolling just invest in some saddle bags and carry your own papers. I’m sure old Fingerbottom can help you locate some saddle bags and you could use the extra exercise to maintain that thin-lipped rosy cheeked look you’ve got going on. GQ love that.
  • Release a book entitled ‘There are pictures of my penis inside’. People who don’t think you’re a total c-word will eat it up and even those who do will be perversely intrigued. Whether you want to use pictures of your actual member is up to you of course.
  • My frankly excellent professional football overhaul. In fact feel free to use any part of that you like Dave, you’re welcome.
  • Have a jolly good bake sale with lashings of ginger beer. Why the chaps would come from miles around, you could redecorate the common room and buy the headmaster a brand new mortarboard. It would be just wizard! Eurgh etc you get the message with that one.
  • Hook up the hotlines television viewers and Daily Mail knee-jerkers use to ring up and complain to actually redirect the money spent on them to your account. Then sit back and let the cash roll in. You can sort out your policies after the next time Russel Brand is on TV, or when a comedian says something that wasn’t about how funny his nan is, or the next time the Mail has a headline involving Muslims, house prices and Princess Di all in one go, or pretty much anything really. You’re laughing mate.

In retrospect I should have made my New Year’s Resolution ‘win the election for the Tories’ because I’ve just gone and done that one too. I’ve accomplished a lot in just the first 4 days of 2010 haven’t I? Already double what I accomplished with 2009. I think I need a lie down.



4 thoughts on “In which I single-handedly bring the Tories to power.

  1. Megan says:

    I didn’t understand much of this post (undeniably understandably), but you really should know that “Lord Fingerbottom III” makes no sense. Percy Bolsover Fingerbottom, 3rd Baron Fingerbottom would be addressed and referred to just as Lord Fingerbottom. And this is coming from someone whose country has outlawed all titles of nobility, so basically everything I know on the topic came from reading Lady Chatterley’s Lover. For shame, David, for shame.

    • davidhetherington says:

      Yeah but you’re forgetting one of my chief rules from months ago on this very site. Never let the truth get in the way of a good joke. Or in this case, a joke.

      Congratulations on correctly identifying Fingerbottom’s first names though.

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