Okay so NOW it’s over. We’re over a week since it was finally decided who the hell was running our country so now is as good a time as any to end Votemageddon, not with a bang, but with a weary sigh. The kind you can imagine an alcoholic divorcee to make at around one in the AM. Honestly and really, I’m not going to use this space to damn and spit on the new unholy alliance of lizard-men who have seized control because that needlessly harsh description can just about fit any party vying for leadership. Is it what I would have picked? No. Is it even what the majority of people who voted wanted? No. Is it what we have? Yes. And what the British do best is push our fingers in our ears and get on with things as best we can, so in that spirit, it only seems right to wish Cleggameron (a made-up word almost as ridiculous and just about as ineffective as Votemageddon – new low David, congrats) all the best in their doomed relationship.
Yeah I said doomed relationship, someone had to say it, nobody else was stepping up. It’s like when your friend starts seeing someone you know is totally wrong for them and will end up hurting them in the long run but none of you say anything. You just shoot concerned looks at each other and bitch behind their backs because they’ve got to work it out for themselves and they won’t thank you for pointing it out.
‘Nick we’re all just worried about you.’
‘Oh really? And who exactly is “we”?’
‘Look I’m not naming names here but people are concerned, we just don’t want to see you fall in with the wrong crowd.’
‘This could be it for me! This could be my one shot, you should support that you bastard!’
‘Alright Nick, don’t get upset…’
‘You don’t know him like I do, he’d never hurt me!’
(Door to Number 10 slams shut. Nick slides down the wall inside and weeps)
I’m no Lib Dem supporter and I sure as hell don’t want to be the guy who stands up at the ‘if anyone here knows of a reason why these two should not be wed’ bit but as I said last time, I kind of feel sorry for the people who voted Lib Dem and got Lib Dem Other Guys Too. Clegg, to his credit, stuck by his original comment that the party with the most seats had the moral right to run the country and he would side with them but it just seemed to a lot of people that there might be a more natural coalition to be made with the Labour party but I guess their time had come and gone and the long-term thing we had going on with them had started getting stale and boring.
‘We only have Prime Minister’s Question Time once a week. What happened to us? When was the last time we had a really good debate huh?’
‘I’m not a Question Time machine, god!’
(Doors slam, electorate sobs in the dark etc etc I’m already sick of these)
Once the Labour mob realised how unlikely a win was, it was amusing to see how quickly they all started parroting the phrase ‘electoral reform’. To be honest, it isn’t a bad idea, I mean look at this mess. The party with the most seats didn’t win because they didn’t get a certain number of seats. Most people who voted, voted for ‘not the Tories’ and the Tories won. The Lib Dems were by their own admission ‘bitterly disappointed’ with their terrible results on election night and now their leader is in what is potentially the second most powerful position in British government. If I can use a Pokemon analogy here (and I think I can) Clegg has evolved from a political Magikarp into a weirdly powerful political Gyarados without even getting to level 20!
Maybe seven people got that. I was going to shop pictures of Clegg’s big stupid face on them too but there has to be a line somewhere. [UPDATE: Sweet new photoshop provided by David that actually made me laugh out loud on my own!]
So that’s that then eh? Jon Stewart and the Daily Show can make fun of us all they want for our lack of glitz and methods that might seem odd or even arcane but our elections are at least only 6 weeks. If you ignore all the rumblings that begin at around January and set the rumour mill off, we only have like a long month of actual election madness. If we were to be like the American system (and I can see a few upsides of that) we’d never stop election-ing! And then we’d never stop being bombarded with people’s opinions or douchey, faux-knowledgeable status updates on Facebook (of which I am a massive offender) and that would suck even worse than having to hear the word ‘hung’ so often in close proximity to names such as David Cameron, David Dimbleby, Nick Robinson, Boris Johnson and Jeremy Paxman. That made for some seriously uncomfortable viewing, like hearing your grandparents say ‘sex’.
Most importantly however, a relatively quick election period means you don’t have to feel obliged to read posts like this all the time. Good luck Tory/Lib Dem mutant hybrid. Good luck British politics, I’ll see you soon.
I’m David Hetherington and I am two things: looking forward to not talking about politics for a while and immensely ashamed of myself for that Pokemon reference.