This post is absolutely not related at all to the fact that I managed to drop my phone in a toilet today. Alright? We’re good? Okay then. Here is the top 6 reasons why technology is bullshit.
1) It doesn’t fucking work
Oh yeah it looks pretty and the nice, little swooshing noises it makes as you trace your finger over the screen thrill and delight but then you notice that little thing isn’t working. You know that bit. It’s not important really but it should be… you know, why isn’t it just showing the… god damn you work, why won’t you work? Suddenly it’s the only thing you can think about. Just about everything works like a dream so why doesn’t it display that one picture/play that particular tune at that particular time/load that video. It’s not enough that you have 50 different all-singing, all-dancing, whistling, tea-making, sexual favour-dispensing wondertraptions, as soon as it fails one function it’s an unholy machine of pure torment that was designed only to give you and you alone a heart attack. You know this because everyone else’s works fine.
2) When it does work it breaks outright
With every technological advance we increase the likelihood of technology not working any more. By adding all these other bells and whistles we only increase the amount of things that can go wrong. But don’t worry! There is a whole industry of shysters just waiting to take you for all you’re worth for a promise to fix it again (yes I’m talking about Wan Chai again). Whole industries now exist based solely on the expectation of your little status devices failing. That’s encouraging isn’t it? ‘You broke the warranty? Why would you do that? Dick.’ Well I wasn’t trying to. What’s that? That’ll be another one million dollars? Yeah alright would you like me to bend over and hold my ankles as well? Personally when I bought this thing and signed up for the monthly plan the only thing I could think was I wasn’t paying enough. What I would love is if it could break down now and then and cause me to pay extra. Is there any kind of lube or… oh you’re just going straight for it, cool, okay.
3) No-one is any fucking help
So it broke. Go ahead, take it to the internet. That shining font of endless knowledge (what the hell kind of analogy was that? Urgh) can surely help you out. It’s limitless, there’s bound to be tons of pages with the exact information you need. I don’t know how many times you have gone to Google with a question and got exactly what you were after but I know exactly how many. Seven. Seven times. I know that exact number because it was so rare I kept count. Oh but that’s only if the thing that broke isn’t something that usually connects to the internet. Most devices are far too cutting edge to have anything as crude as a physical paper instruction manual. No, no it’s all online. But you can’t go online. Screw you. But my all time favourite source of advice is the company site that suggests you call for information on why you can’t work your phone. Once again, call to see why you can’t use your phone. This electronics company seems to fancy itself the next Joseph Heller and it currently constructing the next great absurdist satire.
4) Everyone is better at technology-ing than you
Even the 14 year old girl over there seems to be enjoying fifty or so different conversations on her black rectangle while I – I mean you struggle to get Facebook to load properly. And how did half your friends on there manage to do X on their profiles? You can’t do X on your profile. What does that mean? How does Twitter work? My god how does Twitter work? What do all these meaningless symbols and sentences without spaces mean? Even Ashton Kutcher has mastered this, why can’t I. I mean you.
5) As soon as you buy it it’s obso-fucking-lete
Alright this isn’t new but you have something like ten minutes now to properly enjoy your little nerdgasm-inducer before some privileged prick in a turtle neck decides you’re a masochist with a public humiliation thing so he unleashes nerdgasm-inducer 1.2 just to fuck with you. It amazes me how cynical Apple can be. Watching people dutifully line up to empty the contents of their bank account at stores while their perfectly manicured fingers hover over the execute button for the update’s marketing campaign. And no-one ever complains! They just post videos of how cool it’s going to be when they shell out all over again. The next time you buy yourself the brand new thing you should set off its stopwatch (it’s bound to have one) and time how long it takes for your showing off to not mean a thing any more. It will get to the point where there will be a designated bragging/showing off point located to the left of the counter where you picked up your black rectangle and once you’ve spent your ten minutes in there a harsh buzzer goes off and you’re directed to the back of the queue to line up for the update. And you’d do it wouldn’t you? You’d do it with a big stupid grin on your face and a little line of fanboy drool escaping the corner of your wet mouth.
6) You don’t need it
What ever it is, you don’t. Yes, yes technically you don’t need anything other than bread and water but remember a time when you couldn’t compulsively check your e-mails at any time, anywhere? It wasn’t that long ago. Now we start to panic when not connected to the internet for any tiny amount of time. SMBC made a great comic strip about it (but it doesn’t escape the wave of scorn seeing as this was a blip on the radar of a webcomic that has by and large disappeared up its own arsehole). For more, see here #blatantselfpromotion. Oh boy a Twitter reference! Urgh.
And that’s why I had to drown my phone.